I was surfing the net alongside my vampire/twilight obsession and came across a book called Fat Vampire. I LOL'd so hard at the cover and I so totally have to buy it. It looks and sounds amazing.
See what I mean. The cover is soooo Cool. I <3 it so much.
Doug Lee is undead quite by accident—attacked by a desperate vampire, he finds himself cursed with being fat and fifteen forever. When he has no luck finding some goth chick with a vampire fetish, he resorts to sucking the blood of cows under cover of the night. But it's just not the same. Then he meets the new Indian exchange student and falls for her—hard. Yeah, he wants to bite her, but he also wants to prove himself to her. But like the laws of life, love, and high school, the laws of vampire existence are complicated—it's not as easy as studying Dracula. Especially when the star of Vampire Hunters is hot on your trail in an attempt to boost ratings...
Doug came to, lying on his back in what felt and smelled like a field. A gray, milky sky gaped over him. He took it in too quickly and fluttered his eyes.
Why was he on his back in a field? What was wrong with his chest? This last thought came suddenly as he sensed something pressing down on him. He lifted his head, and for a kaleidoscopic moment glimpsed the wooden stake in his heart before his vision swam black and his head hit the dirt again.
“Oh yeah,” he whispered. “Forgot.”
“You keep passing out,” said a voice. “You wake up, look at the stake, pass out again. But shouldn’t you be dead? I thought a stake through the heart was supposed to kill you.”
“It seems like a good…” wheezed Doug, “…guess to me.”
High above, a crooked line of birds perforated the lightening sky. It was very cold.
“I think...I think sometimes you think you’re the hero of the story, and sometimes you think you’re the victim,” said the voice. “But you’re not either.”
THE PREVIOUS SUMMER:
Doug said, “Hi,” and the girl turned. The perfect girl with red hair and nearly empty cup of yellow beer turned and looked at him. He tried to relax his eyes, take all of her in at once–the blue belly shirt, the bottomless cleavage–without appearing to ogle. He didn’t know her, or practically anyone else at the party. She didn’t know him. She wouldn’t have any reason not to talk to him.
She found a reason. Look–it was all there on her face. She’d seen through his disguise–the hair gel, the too-tight shirt from Apparel Conspiracy. He was a completely surprising form of life, something that should not be at a party, shouldn’t be addressing her. A gorilla maybe, frantically signing ‘Koko want kitten. Koko want kitten.’
“What?” she said. Not super inviting.
“Hey. I’m Doug.”
She seemed hesitant to give her name, like she might get it back with gunk on it. But then,
“Carrie. My friend’s coming right back.”
“That’s…cool. So what school do you go to?” he asked. Not that he knew any schools in
“Garfield,” said the girl, but as she did so she arched her neck to look over his shoulder. Her long, soft, beautiful neck.
Koko want kitten.
“It’s…kind of crowded in here,” said Doug. “Don’t you think? You want to go outside? Get some fresh air?”
“I’m waiting for my friend,” said the girl. And then her whole posture relaxed, and a sudden brightness in her eyes told Doug that she’d just seen this friend, the friend was close, like the friend had just pressed the button on her keychain that made the headlights flash and the locks pop.
“Just for a second,” said Doug. “Really quick. I want to show you something.”
“No, it’s not like…just trust me…come outside…it’s totally amazing…”
The friend was back. The friend was right there, and Doug heard himself say,
“I’m a vampire.”
Both girls stared at him for an airless moment, possibly deciding how they were going to take this. Funny or Scary? Funny or Scary?
“A creature of the night,” Doug continued, “Cursed like Cain to wander–“
“Aren’t you a little fat for a vampire?” asked the friend.
Funny it is, then. Doug sighed. “I guess.”
“Oh my god, are you one of those comics convention people?” asked the friend. “Paul said there wouldn’t be too many of them.”
“Look, sorry,” said the girl, the girl whose name Doug had to admit had already escaped his mind. “I’m here with my friend. Maybe someone else will go see your comic book thing.” They turned to leave.
“I wasn’t trying to show you a comic book!” said Doug as he followed behind. “I’m a vampire! I’m a fat vampire, okay? I was trying to lose weight before I got bitten. Now I’m screwed.”
The girl faced him. A second or so later her friend realized she was walking all by herself. She clucked her tongue and came back.
“Why are you screwed?” asked the girl.
This was something. Not really the topic Doug wanted to talk about, but at least they were talking.
“I’m…cursed,” said Doug. He was going to have to come up with another word for cursed. “For all eternity, always alone, never able to quench my dark–“
No, he could see in her face he was losing her. Something else.
“Look,” he said, “vampires don’t change, right? I’m never going to get any older, and I’ll always look like this. Short. Doughy. You know I haven’t had anything to eat or drink except blood for the last month? And nothing. No change. If I can’t lose weight on an all-blood diet–“
“So is that why you wanted me to go outside with you? You were going to attack me?”
“No! No, I–“
“You were going to drink my blood?”
Doug dropped his eyes, but then he was just staring at her bare belly, at the hypnotic whorl of her navel that would certainly bewitch him, make him stupid with want. He glanced to her right, and noticed a few bystanders were listening in, their conversations ebbing away. Beautiful people with faces like flowers, turning slowly to bask in someone else’s blazing embarrassment.
“Only if you wanted me–“
“What?” said the friend. “We can’t hear you.”
“Only if you wanted me to,” said Doug. “I just would’ve showed you my fangs and then…maybe you’d be, you know…”
When he finished the thought it was barely there.
“Okay, time to go,” said a really tall guy who came out of nowhere. He grabbed Doug’s arm and escorted him, backwards, stumbling, toward the foyer.
“Don’t be too mean to him,” the girl called after them. “He didn’t do anything.”
Don’t be too mean to him, thought Doug. Not TOO mean. He was fifteen years old, he would always be fifteen years old, and it was possibly be the nicest thing any girl would ever say about him.
Doug dug in his heels. “Wait,” he said. “I can’t leave without my friend. I dragged him here.”
His escort appeared speechless that Doug had been able to stop their momentum at all. Another tall, good-looking teenager had to step up to the plate.
“Fuck, there are more of you?” he said. “Where’s your friend?”
“Probably hiding in a bathroom.”
This second guy went off to look, leaving the first to just stand there and hold Doug’s arm and glare.
“Look, you can let me go,” said Doug. “I’m not going to turn into a bat or anything.”
“Heh. What? Shut up.”
“Seriously. I’ll leave as soon as my friend gets here.”
“I think you can let him go,” said someone new.
Doug’s escort let him go. “Whatever. Your house, Paul.”
“Oh,” said Doug to the new kid. “You’re Paul. Nice party.”
“Thanks. How did you find out about it?”
“I found a flyer at the convention center. At the Pre-Con party. It was under Stan Lee’s foot.”
“Someone must’ve dropped one,” said Paul. “Sorry, it was more of an ‘invite only’ thing.”
“I didn’t know.”
Just then Jay appeared with a tall guy holding each arm.
“Here he is,” one of them said. “People in the bathroom line said he’d been in there a half-hour.”
Doug glanced at his watch. That sounded about right.
Outside, Doug and Jay shuffled through wet grass, aware of the gazes of two or three guys standing guard on the front porch to make sure they didn’t double back, sneak in through a window, slide down the chimney. Crash the party and get dork all over everything.
“Don’t take this the wrong way,” said Jay as they reached the car, “but that would have been a great moment for you to turn into a wolf or command rats or something.”
“Yeah. And then you could have gone and done recon in the bathroom again. Everything secure in there? Did they have enough guest towels?”
Jay didn’t reply.
They drove off into the dark street.
“I have to feed soon!” said Doug. “I feel like I’m starving and going crazy at the same time. I’m curs–damned! I’m damned to forever yearn for the…vile…”
“Vile crimson ichor?” offered Jay.
“No. For the vile…for the sweet, vile…”
Doug trailed off. Damn it, ‘vile crimson ichor’ had been pretty good.
“Will you die?” asked Jay. “If you don’t…feed? Will you die again?”
Doug exhaled and watched the houses pass.
“I don’t know. It was bad enough the first time.”
“You said it was awesome,” said Jay. “Before you said that getting turned into a vampire was better than sex.”
“You said it was like your penis went bonernova–“
“Can you not say ‘penis?’ Please? It’s like I get the exact opposite of a bonernova whenever you say it. Say ‘dick,’ or–“
“I don’t swear,” said Jay. “You know I don’t.“
“Look. Okay. Obviously…” said Doug, “…obviously the getting-turned-into-a-vampire part was great, and the vampire chick was hot and everything, but the actual dying part sucked. Obviously.”
Doug rolled down his window a few inches and wedged his nose into the gap, inhaling the thick, salty air. Anything to keep from smelling the one hundred and fifty pounds of blood and best friend in the driver’s seat next to him.
“You’re the one with family here,” said Doug. He and Jay were staying with Jay’s aunt and uncle during the convention. “Are there any farms close by?”
Jay thought a moment. “I don’t think so. Maybe some citrus orchards. Ha! Maybe some blood oranges.”
“No. No farms.”
“Well…there has to be something,” whined Doug. “Some place with big animals. Big enough so I won’t kill them.”
Jay was quiet. Then he made a turn toward the freeway
See what I mean. It sounds amazing.
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